💗 Come As You Are: The Science of Women's Sexual Well-Being

Inspired by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.

“You are normal.”
That’s the message at the heart of Come As You Are: Revised and Updated, the groundbreaking book by Dr. Emily Nagoski—a health educator, researcher, and one of the most compassionate voices in modern sex science.

In a world filled with confusing messages about what sex "should" look like—especially for women—this book offers something radical: truth, science, and permission to be fully yourself.

This post is your guide to the most powerful ideas in Come As You Are, with a focus on understanding how your brain, body, and emotions work together to shape sexual wellness.

🔍 The Core Message: You're Not Broken

Many people come to therapy or pick up books like this one because they feel something is "off." They’re not in the mood like they used to be. They’re comparing themselves to movies or partners or social media posts. They’re wondering: Is something wrong with me?

Dr. Nagoski’s answer is clear: No. You're not broken.
You’re likely just missing the right information.

🧠 The Dual Control Model: Brakes and Accelerators

One of the most game-changing ideas in the book is the Dual Control Model of sexuality. Think of your sexual response as a car:

• Accelerators: These are the things that turn you on—romantic touch, a certain tone of voice, a memory, feeling emotionally safe.

• Brakes: These are the things that shut desire down—stress, body image worries, fear, trauma, performance pressure.

Sexual desire isn’t about having a “high” or “low” libido. It’s about what’s turning the accelerator up—and what’s slamming on the brakes.

“Desire isn’t something you have—it’s something your brain does.”
— Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.

Understanding your brakes is just as important (if not more) than focusing on what’s supposed to turn you on.

💡 Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire

Another life-changing idea from the book: not everyone feels desire the same way.

• Spontaneous desire: You feel aroused “out of nowhere,” like a light switch.

• Responsive desire: You feel desire after physical or emotional closeness starts. It builds, like a campfire.

Most people with vulvas experience responsive desire. But our culture often portrays spontaneous desire as the "normal" or ideal version.

If you’ve ever felt broken because you didn’t want sex until you were already kissing or cuddling—you’re actually very normal. And knowing this can change everything.

🌸 Context is Everything

Sexuality doesn’t exist in a vacuum—it’s shaped by context. That includes:

• Your relationship dynamics

• Stress levels

• Sense of safety

• Past experiences

• Your emotional connection to your partner

• What’s going on in your brain that day

If something isn’t working, Dr. Nagoski urges readers to ask not “What’s wrong with me?” but rather, “What’s happening around me that’s influencing how I feel?”

🫶 Pleasure is the Measure

One of the most powerful reframes in Come As You Are is this:
The goal of sex isn’t orgasm. The goal is pleasure.

When we let go of pressure, comparison, and performance, we make space for connection. Dr. Nagoski reminds us that good sex is less about what your body does, and more about how your experience feels—emotionally, physically, relationally.

This perspective is especially freeing for people healing from shame, trauma, or unrealistic cultural standards.

📚 What Makes This Book So Valuable?

• Research-backed: Dr. Nagoski weaves peer-reviewed studies into real-life stories, making the science approachable and empowering.

• Inclusive: While focused on cisgender women, the principles apply to anyone who wants to better understand their sexuality—especially those in marginalized or misunderstood groups.

• Compassionate: Her tone is never judgmental. It’s warm, human, and deeply validating.

🧘‍♀️ If You’re Struggling with Sexual Concerns…

Whether you’re feeling disconnected from your body, dealing with pain, stress, trauma, or low desire—this book offers tools, not blame. And as therapists, we echo Dr. Nagoski’s message:
Sexual well-being is a part of your mental health. And you deserve support.

💬 Final Words

“Pleasure is the measure. Not how often you have sex. Not whether you orgasm. Not how many positions or toys you use. Pleasure.”
— Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski

Your sexuality is unique. Your story is valid. And your body is worthy of love, compassion, and pleasure—exactly as you are.

Want to explore more?
Our counselors are here to help you reconnect with your body, your story, and your sense of self. If you’re curious about how therapy can support your sexual well-being, we invite you to reach out.