"Fight Right": Transforming Conflict into Connection
If you’ve ever believed that happy couples don’t fight — you’re not alone. Many of us grow up thinking that conflict means something is wrong in a relationship. But according to relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who’ve spent over 40 years studying couples, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
In their book Fight Right, the Gottmans show us that it’s not whether you fight, but how you fight that matters. And even more importantly, how you repair and reconnect afterward.
Here are some of the most helpful, heartening lessons from their work — and why they might just change how you look at conflict forever.
Conflict Is Normal — and Can Even Bring You Closer
All couples disagree. In fact, the Gottmans’ research found that about 69% of the issues couples argue about are ongoing, perpetual differences — like whether you’re a morning person or night owl, neat freak or clutter collector. And that’s okay.
What makes the difference is how partners handle those differences. Instead of trying to win the argument or avoid it altogether, healthy couples learn to manage conflict in a way that deepens trust and understanding.
Meet the Four Horsemen (And How to Stop Them)
The Gottmans identified four common behaviors that, if left unchecked, predict relationship trouble:
Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character (“You’re so selfish”)
Contempt: Mocking, eye-rolling, or sarcasm — a sign of disrespect
Defensiveness: Shifting blame instead of taking responsibility
Stonewalling: Shutting down or emotionally withdrawing
We all fall into these patterns sometimes. The key is noticing when they show up — and having tools to turn them around.
Simple Shifts That Change Everything
Here’s what the Gottmans recommend instead:
Gentle Start-Ups: Begin conversations softly. Say how you feel and what you need without blame.
Appreciation Culture: Make a habit of expressing what you value in each other, especially in the small, everyday moments.
Take Responsibility: Even if it’s a tiny part, owning your piece of the conflict calms defensiveness.
Take Breaks: When you feel overwhelmed (heart racing, muscles tight, mind spinning), pause the conversation. Step away for 20 minutes, do something soothing, then come back when you’re calmer.
Most Fights Aren’t Really About the Dishes
Underneath almost every recurring argument is something deeper: a hope, fear, or need that hasn’t been fully seen. Maybe the fight about the dishes is really about wanting to feel cared for, or about fairness, or about needing rest.
The Gottmans call these the dreams within the conflict. When couples take the time to uncover what’s really at stake for each other, conflict becomes a doorway to closeness, not distance.
The Little Things Matter Most
We connect in tiny, everyday moments: a passing joke, a glance, a sigh, a touch. The Gottmans call these emotional bids — little signals we send to each other, asking for connection.
What makes couples strong isn’t how perfectly they handle the big stuff, but how often they “turn toward” these bids instead of away. Noticing your partner’s sigh and asking, “Rough day?” can be more powerful than grand romantic gestures.
Conflict Isn’t the Problem — Disconnection Is
Arguments don’t erode relationships. Emotional disconnection does. That’s why repair attempts — those small gestures like saying “I’m sorry,” using humor, or reaching for your partner’s hand — are so essential. It’s not about never hurting each other; it’s about repairing quickly and kindly.
When Emotions Run Too High
Sometimes during conflict, we hit a state the Gottmans call flooding — when our body’s stress response takes over (think rapid heartbeats, sweaty palms, brain on overdrive). In these moments, it’s nearly impossible to have a productive conversation.
The antidote? Know the signs and take a break. Calm your body first, then your words will follow.
The Magic Ratio
Healthy couples have five positive interactions for every negative one, even during conflict. A smile. A joke. A kind word. A moment of physical affection. These little acts of warmth and humor act like relational glue, keeping you connected even when you disagree.
Final Thought: Conflict as Connection
Fight Right reminds us that good relationships aren’t built on perfection. They’re built on trust, repair, and small daily moments of kindness. Conflict isn’t something to fear — it’s a chance to learn more about the person you love and about yourself.
And when done with care, it’s one of the ways couples grow closer.
If this resonates with you, or if you and your partner would like to learn how to "fight right" in your own relationship, it might be a beautiful thing to talk about with a therapist. Because conflict doesn’t have to be a crisis — it can be a conversation.
