What Divorce Can Teach Us About Love
James Sexton is a seasoned divorce attorney who has seen thousands of marriages end—and hundreds more that might have been saved. In his bestselling books If You’re in My Office, It’s Already Too Late and How to Stay in Love, Sexton distills years of hard lessons into practical advice for couples who want to protect their love before it’s too late.
His message is simple: if we pay attention to what breaks marriages, we can learn how to make them last.
Here’s a roundup of Sexton’s best advice on marriage, divorce, and relationships—woven together with what psychology tells us about love.
1. Small Things Matter Most
Sexton often says that marriages don’t usually end because of big betrayals, they end because of small, daily neglect. The missed “thank you,” the distracted phone scrolling, the lack of interest in each other’s inner world.
John Gottman’s studies on marriage echo this point. He found that small “bids for connection” (like sharing a thought or joke) make or break long-term happiness. Couples who respond to each other’s bids stay together; couples who ignore them drift apart.
Don’t underestimate the power of the little things—gratitude, eye contact, asking about your partner’s day.
2. Affairs Aren’t Always About Sex
In Sexton’s experience, many affairs begin not from a lack of physical intimacy but from a lack of emotional connection. People cheat because they feel unseen, unheard, or unappreciated in their marriage.
Studies on infidelity support this; emotional dissatisfaction often predicts affairs more than sexual dissatisfaction.
Nurture emotional intimacy. Compliments, appreciation, and curiosity about your partner’s world matter as much as physical closeness.
3. Technology Can Be Toxic
Sexton has witnessed countless divorces sparked or accelerated by technology; endless scrolling, secret social media accounts, or simply prioritizing devices over partners.
Recent studies show that “phubbing” (phone snubbing) predicts lower relationship satisfaction. Constant digital distraction erodes intimacy and signals disinterest.
Set tech boundaries. Eat dinner without your phone, or put it away for the first 30 minutes you’re home together.
4. Divorce Is Often Death by a Thousand Cuts
Sexton says people rarely file for divorce after one fight. It’s the accumulation of unresolved arguments, ignored needs, and small acts of disconnection that eventually lead one partner to say, “I can’t do this anymore.”
Longitudinal studies confirm that chronic low-level conflict; criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, predicts divorce even more than rare explosive arguments.
Don’t let problems fester. Address issues early, with respect and calm curiosity.
5. Marriage Is a Daily Choice
Perhaps Sexton’s most powerful insight: staying in love requires intentional effort. Many couples assume love should be automatic. But Sexton argues, from years of watching couples unravel, that love is maintained through daily, conscious action.
Attachment theory supports that secure, lasting bonds are built on consistent investment and responsiveness.
Treat your marriage as something to actively nurture, not something that will run on autopilot.
6. Ask: “What Story Will My Partner Tell?”
Sexton encourages couples to think about how their partner would describe them to a friend. Are you the attentive, kind spouse—or the distracted, critical one? This perspective shift can spark accountability and empathy.
Narrative psychology suggests that how people tell the story of their relationship predicts whether they stay together. Positive storytelling = stronger bonds.
Aim to be the partner your spouse would be proud to describe.
Final Reflection: Learn From the End to Protect the Beginning
James Sexton’s advice may sound blunt, but it’s deeply hopeful. He’s seen firsthand how marriages fall apart, which gives him unique clarity on what keeps them strong: daily attention, emotional intimacy, tech boundaries, and active choice.
The truth is, most divorces Sexton handles didn’t have to happen. By learning from the patterns he’s observed, couples can protect their love long before they reach a lawyer’s office.
As Sexton reminds us: marriage is like tending a fire—it won’t stay lit if you stop feeding it.
