Rewriting Your Story: How to Not Let Your Past Define You
Many of us carry stories about who we are based on where we’ve been—painful memories, past mistakes, or labels given to us by others. As a therapist, I often hear clients say things like, “This is just who I am,” or “I can’t change because of what happened to me.” That’s why the recent episode of the Modern Wisdom podcast featuring psychologist and author Scott Barry Kaufman felt like such a powerful and compassionate invitation to think differently.
In “How to Not Let Your Past Define You,” Kaufman shares both research and personal wisdom about the human capacity for growth. It’s a conversation rooted in science but delivered with heart—a reminder that while our past shapes us, it doesn’t have to imprison us.
Your Past Is a Chapter, Not the Whole Story
Kaufman emphasizes that our identities are not fixed. Who you were five or ten years ago is not who you have to be today. He talks about the concept of the “false self”—a version of ourselves we construct early in life in order to survive, gain approval, or feel safe. Often, that false self becomes so familiar that we confuse it with our true nature.
Through reflection and healing, Kaufman believes we can reconnect with the authentic self—the version of us that exists beneath the defenses, wounds, and roles we’ve been conditioned to play. This process doesn’t erase the past, but it frees us from being controlled by it.
Trauma Doesn’t Define You—But It Does Deserve Care
A particularly meaningful part of the conversation is Kaufman’s acknowledgment of trauma’s real impact. He doesn’t minimize the pain that many people carry. Instead, he encourages a more compassionate perspective: trauma changes us, but it doesn’t have to be our identity.
He introduces the idea of post-traumatic growth—the potential not just to survive difficulty, but to emerge from it with greater clarity, resilience, and purpose. Growth doesn’t mean the pain didn’t matter—it means it doesn’t get to tell the final story.
Practical Ways to Move Forward
Throughout the podcast, Kaufman offers thoughtful guidance on how to begin loosening the grip of the past:
Practice Self-Compassion – Speak to yourself like you would to someone you deeply care about. Healing begins with kindness, not criticism.
Reevaluate Your Core Beliefs – Ask yourself: “Is this belief about myself still true?” Many beliefs formed in childhood no longer serve us as adults.
Allow for Psychological Flexibility – You don’t have to stay the same to be consistent. Growth is not betrayal—it’s evolution.
Surround Yourself with Growth-Oriented Relationships – Seek people who see you for who you’re becoming, not just who you’ve been.
Therapy as a Space to Reclaim Your Narrative
As a therapist, I see firsthand how liberating it can be when someone realizes they are not their past. Therapy can offer a safe, structured space to explore old wounds, challenge limiting beliefs, and begin rewriting your inner narrative.
Kaufman’s message is ultimately one of hope: no matter what you’ve experienced, there is always room for healing, change, and self-discovery.
Final Thought: You Are Not Your History
Your past may be part of your story, but it doesn’t have to be your identity. You are allowed to change. You are allowed to grow. And you are worthy of a future that reflects your true self—not just your old wounds.
