Supporting Your Teen Through Self-Harm: A Guide for Parents

Few things are more frightening for a parent than discovering that their child is engaging in self-harm, such as cutting. You may feel shocked, confused, heartbroken, or even guilty. These reactions are natural, but what matters most is how you respond moving forward.

Self-harm is not about seeking attention or manipulation. It’s usually a coping strategy: a way to release overwhelming emotions or gain a sense of control. While it may bring temporary relief, it can quickly become a dangerous cycle. Research shows that adolescents who self-harm are at higher risk for depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts (Muehlenkamp & Kerr, 2010). Early, compassionate intervention can make a critical difference.

Why Teens Engage in Self-Harm

Teens may turn to cutting or other forms of self-harm for different reasons:

• To cope with intense emotions (anger, sadness, numbness)

• To feel relief from emotional pain or tension

• To express feelings they can’t put into words

• To regain a sense of control when life feels chaotic

• To punish themselves due to guilt or shame

Understanding the “why” doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it helps shift your perspective from anger or fear to compassion and support.

Warning Signs of Self-Harm and Escalation

Be alert for:

• Unexplained cuts, burns, or scars (often on arms, thighs, or stomach)

• Wearing long sleeves or pants even in hot weather

• Frequent “accidents” or excuses for injuries

• Withdrawal from friends, activities, or family

• Sharp mood swings, irritability, or emotional numbness

• Items like razors, glass, or lighters kept hidden

Red flags for escalation or suicide risk include:

• Talking about hopelessness or wanting to die

• Expressing feelings of being a burden

• Increased frequency or severity of self-harm

• Combining self-harm with substance use

If you suspect suicidal intent, seek help immediately, call 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the U.S.) or go to the nearest emergency room.

How Parents Can Respond

1. Stay Calm

Your initial response sets the tone. It’s natural to feel panicked, but showing shock or anger can push your teen further into secrecy.

2. Approach With Compassion

Try:

• “I noticed some cuts on your arm. I want you to know I love you and I’m here to listen, not judge.”

• “It seems like you’re in a lot of pain. I may not understand everything you’re feeling, but I want to.”

3. Listen Without Trying to Fix Immediately

Teens need to feel heard before they’re ready to accept help. Avoid lecturing or minimizing (e.g., “You don’t need to do this” or “It’s just a phase”).

4. Encourage Professional Support

Self-harm often signals underlying emotional struggles like depression, trauma, or anxiety. Evidence-based treatments such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) are highly effective in reducing self-harm (Mehlum et al., 2016). Encourage your teen to connect with a therapist experienced in these approaches.

5. Promote Healthy Coping Strategies

Help your teen experiment with safer outlets for intense emotions, such as:

• Physical activity (running, yoga, punching a pillow)

• Creative expression (art, journaling, music)

• Sensory tools (holding ice, snapping a rubber band, using grounding techniques)

• Relaxation practices (deep breathing, mindfulness)

6. Create a Safer Environment

Limit access to sharp objects, medications, or other tools of self-harm when possible. This isn’t about controlling your teen—it’s about reducing risk while healthier coping strategies are built.

Scripts Parents Can Use

• Opening a conversation:
  “I’ve noticed you seem really down lately, and I care about you. Can we talk about what’s been going on?”

• Responding to disclosure:
  “Thank you for telling me. That must have been hard to share. I’m glad you trusted me with this.”

• Encouraging professional help:
  “I think talking with a therapist could really help. We don’t have to figure everything out alone, and you deserve support.”

• Setting safety expectations:
  “I want to work with you to make things safer at home. Let’s come up with a plan together that feels supportive, not controlling.”

Taking Care of Yourself as a Parent

Supporting a child who self-harms is emotionally exhausting. Seek support for yourself—whether through counseling, support groups, or trusted friends. When you are grounded, you can better offer stability for your teen.

Final Thoughts

Self-harm is a sign of deep emotional pain—not a reflection of your child’s worth, or your failure as a parent. With compassion, professional support, and patience, healing is possible. Many teens who struggle with self-harm go on to build fulfilling, resilient lives.

The most powerful message you can give your teen is this: You are not alone, and we will get through this together.