Stop Ignoring Red Flags: How to Trust Yourself in Relationships
Many of us have been there: looking back on a relationship—romantic, professional, or even familial—and realizing that the signs were there all along. The discomfort, the gut instinct, the small voice saying “this doesn’t feel right.” And yet, we stayed. We minimized. We hoped.
In a compelling episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty sits down with psychologist and relationship expert Sadia Khan to talk about one of the most important—and often overlooked—topics in relationship health: red flags. Their conversation is a direct, honest, and deeply validating look at why we ignore red flags, how it impacts our emotional well-being, and what we can do to start paying closer attention to ourselves.
As a therapist, I found this conversation not only insightful but necessary. Too many people blame themselves for not noticing sooner, when in truth, they were never taught how to trust their inner wisdom.
What Are Red Flags—and Why Do We Miss Them?
Red flags are signs of misalignment, manipulation, or emotional harm—behaviors that indicate a person may not be emotionally safe or capable of a healthy relationship. They can include:
Inconsistent communication
Lack of accountability
Love-bombing followed by withdrawal
Disrespecting your boundaries
Gaslighting or making you question your reality
Sadia explains that we often overlook these signs not because we’re naïve or weak, but because we’re emotionally invested, hopeful, or conditioned to override discomfort to maintain connection.
She also notes that red flags are easy to spot in hindsight—but much harder to see in real time, especially when we don’t want to believe someone could harm us.
The Role of Self-Worth
One of the most important takeaways from the conversation is that our ability to notice and respond to red flags is deeply tied to our self-worth. When we don’t feel worthy of healthy love, we’re more likely to accept poor treatment, rationalize bad behavior, or blame ourselves for someone else’s emotional unavailability.
Sadia puts it beautifully: “We don’t ignore red flags because we can’t see them—we ignore them because we think we don’t deserve better.”
From a therapeutic lens, this is where healing begins. When we work on rebuilding self-esteem, strengthening boundaries, and unlearning codependent patterns, we also sharpen our ability to discern what is and isn’t healthy.
Learning to Trust Your Inner Alarm System
Jay and Sadia highlight a key piece of wisdom: your body often knows before your brain does. That uneasy feeling in your stomach, the anxiety that creeps in after a conversation, or the confusion that clouds your judgment—these are signals, not coincidences.
Therapy can be a safe space to reconnect with those internal cues. Often, clients will say, “I knew something felt off, but I didn’t trust myself.” The truth is, many of us were raised to prioritize others’ needs and emotions over our own instincts. Relearning self-trust is a powerful act of emotional self-protection.
Healthy Relationships Aren’t Built on Hope Alone
While red flags shouldn't necessarily lead to instant cutoffs, they are invitations to slow down, ask questions, and observe patterns. Sadia and Jay remind us that love is not about ignoring reality to preserve fantasy. It’s about building connection through truth, consistency, and emotional safety.
They also discuss how emotional maturity in a partner looks like:
Owning their mistakes
Respecting your boundaries
Communicating with honesty and empathy
Growing with you—not at your expense
Final Thought: You’re Allowed to Walk Away
If you’ve ignored red flags in the past, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. You were doing your best with what you knew at the time.
The beautiful truth is: you’re allowed to change. You’re allowed to choose differently now. And you’re allowed to trust your instincts, even when they go against what you wish were true.
Sadia Khan and Jay Shetty’s conversation is a powerful reminder that noticing red flags isn’t about becoming cynical or guarded. It’s about becoming clear, grounded, and compassionate—with others, and most importantly, with yourself.
