If You're a People Pleaser, This One's for You
As a therapist, I often sit with people who carry the weight of saying “yes” when they mean “no,” of over extending themselves to avoid conflict, or of feeling consumed by the fear of letting others down. This is the quiet and exhausting world of people-pleasing—and it’s more common than you might think.
In a compassionate and insightful episode of his podcast On Purpose, Jay Shetty explores the roots and consequences of people-pleasing with both depth and practicality. If you’ve ever felt like your needs come second to everyone else’s—or you don’t even know what your needs are anymore—this episode offers not just validation, but a path toward emotional freedom.
Why Do We People Please?
Jay explains that people-pleasing is often a survival strategy learned early in life. Whether it came from growing up in a home where love felt conditional, or from environments where being agreeable helped avoid conflict, many of us learned to prioritize others’ comfort over our own authenticity.
At its core, people-pleasing is about fear—fear of rejection, of being disliked, of not being “enough.” But over time, that fear-based habit can lead to chronic stress, resentment, and even identity confusion. We lose touch with who we really are.
The Cost of Constantly Saying “Yes”
Shetty highlights a powerful truth: when you always say yes to others, you might be saying no to yourself.
This can show up in subtle but harmful ways:
You feel guilty resting or taking time for yourself
You agree to things even when you feel overwhelmed or burned out
You avoid expressing opinions, needs, or boundaries for fear of upsetting others
You feel responsible for others’ feelings and reactions
These patterns can lead to emotional exhaustion and a diminished sense of self-worth. And yet—they often go unnoticed, because people-pleasers are usually the helpers, the peacemakers, the ones who seem to “have it all together.”
How to Start Reclaiming Your Voice
Jay offers several gentle but transformative insights for breaking free from people-pleasing:
Check in with Your “Why”
Before agreeing to something, ask: Am I doing this from love or from fear? Choosing from love is expansive; choosing from fear is depleting.Practice Micro-Boundaries
Start small—say no to a favor, take a break before replying, or let someone know you need time to think. Boundaries are a muscle we build over time.Let Go of Being “Nice”
Jay challenges the idea that kindness means self-abandonment. Being kind doesn’t mean being compliant. True kindness includes honesty and respect—for others and yourself.Redefine Your Value
Your worth isn’t based on how useful, agreeable, or low-maintenance you are. It’s based on your inherent humanity. You are allowed to take up space.
A Therapist’s Take: It’s Safe to Be You
In therapy, people-pleasers often come to realize they’ve been living on autopilot—saying yes, avoiding conflict, smiling through discomfort. The good news is: these patterns can change. And awareness is the first step.
Jay Shetty’s episode is not about shaming people for their coping strategies. It’s about gently waking up to the possibility that you matter too. Your preferences, your limits, your voice—all of it is worthy of being honored.
Final Thought: You’re Not Selfish for Choosing Yourself
If you recognize yourself in this episode, know this: you’re not broken. You’re not dramatic. You’ve simply learned to meet others’ needs at the expense of your own—and now, you’re ready to come home to yourself.
Healing from people-pleasing doesn’t happen overnight. But with each boundary you set, each time you honor your truth, you send a message to your nervous system: it’s safe to be me.
And that, more than anything, is the beginning of real freedom.
