Understanding Betrayal Blindness: Why We Sometimes Don’t See What’s Hurting Us
There are moments in therapy when a client describes a relationship that’s deeply painful—filled with manipulation, deceit, or emotional neglect—yet they speak of it with confusion, even loyalty. “I don’t know why I didn’t see it sooner,” they might say. Or, “Part of me still doesn’t want to believe it.”
This phenomenon has a name: betrayal blindness. In a powerful episode of the Navigating Narcissism podcast, psychologist and researcher Dr. Jennifer Freyd unpacks this concept, which she originally coined. Her explanation offers both clarity and compassion for those who’ve been hurt in ways that were hard—or even impossible—to recognize at the time.
What Is Betrayal Blindness?
Betrayal blindness is the unconscious suppression or distortion of awareness in order to preserve an important relationship or sense of safety—especially when the betrayer is someone we depend on. It’s not denial in the usual sense. It’s a survival mechanism.
As Dr. Freyd explains, it often occurs in relationships where there is an imbalance of power, such as with a parent, partner, boss, or institution. When acknowledging the betrayal would threaten our emotional or physical security, the brain may instinctively look the other way.
In other words, not seeing the betrayal is sometimes what keeps us psychologically afloat—at least for a while.
Why Betrayal Can Be So Hard to Recognize
Betrayal blindness is especially common in narcissistic or emotionally abusive dynamics, where gaslighting, minimization, and blame-shifting are frequent. The person being harmed may start to doubt their own reality. They may rationalize bad behavior or assume it’s their fault.
Dr. Freyd notes that betrayal is not just about broken trust—it’s about broken trust within a relationship we feel we can’t afford to lose. This is why many survivors of abuse, neglect, or toxic relationships struggle with delayed awareness. The cost of seeing the truth feels too high at the time.
How Betrayal Blindness Shows Up
In Childhood: A child may ignore or forget emotional neglect or abuse to preserve their attachment to a parent.
In Romantic Relationships: An adult may downplay or overlook red flags in order to maintain intimacy or avoid abandonment.
In Institutions: Employees or students may stay silent about harm to protect their standing or avoid retaliation.
The Path to Awareness and Healing
One of the most validating messages from Dr. Freyd’s work is that betrayal blindness is not a weakness—it’s a response to vulnerability. It's a way the mind protects us when we're not yet ready to face the full weight of a painful truth.
Here’s what healing can look like:
Self-Compassion First
If you’re just beginning to name past betrayals, be gentle with yourself. The brain does what it needs to do to keep us safe.Therapeutic Support
A therapist can help unpack the layered emotions that come with seeing a betrayal clearly—grief, anger, shame, and confusion.Reclaiming Your Narrative
As awareness grows, so does the ability to make different choices, set healthier boundaries, and rebuild trust in yourself.Recognizing Patterns Without Blame
Betrayal blindness isn’t your fault. Not seeing doesn’t mean you were complicit—it means you were trying to survive.
Final Thought: Your Eyes Open When You’re Ready
Dr. Jennifer Freyd’s insights remind us that healing doesn’t happen on a timeline—it unfolds as our minds and hearts feel safe enough to tell the truth. If you’re starting to question something that once felt normal, you’re not crazy—you’re waking up.
Betrayal blindness may have helped you survive. But awareness is what will help you heal.
