The New Rules of Marriage: How to Make Love Last

Marriage in the 21st century looks very different from the marriages of past generations. Emotional intimacy, mutual respect, and open communication are now at the core of what couples expect from one another. Yet, despite this cultural shift, many partners still struggle to meet these evolving needs.

This is where Terrence Real’s groundbreaking book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, offers a refreshing, research-backed perspective. Real, a renowned couples therapist and founder of Relational Life Therapy, provides a roadmap for couples ready to move past old, unhelpful dynamics and embrace new, healthier ways of relating.

Let’s explore Real’s key principles, connect them to evidence-based research, and highlight how couples can use these tools to build stronger, more fulfilling partnerships.

Why the Old Rules No Longer Work

Terrence Real argues that traditional marriage expectations, especially those shaped by outdated gender roles, are no longer enough. For decades, women were expected to manage the emotional and relational aspects of marriage, while men were often socialized to remain emotionally distant. Today, women and men alike seek connection, emotional safety, and reciprocity.

Research supports this shift. Studies show that emotional responsiveness, empathy, and mutual support are among the strongest predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction. When partners feel heard and validated, trust and intimacy thrive.

Five Losing Strategies Couples Must Leave Behind

Real identifies five common but destructive behaviors that erode relationships. These patterns, while often unconscious, create distance rather than connection:

1. Needing to Be Right
   Constantly arguing to “win” undermines empathy and fuels defensiveness. Research from John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” model confirms that criticism and defensiveness are top predictors of divorce.

2. Controlling Your Partner
   Attempts to dominate or change a partner often trigger resistance. Evidence shows autonomy is critical for healthy attachment and relationship satisfaction.

3. Unbridled Self-Expression
   Venting every frustration without regulation may feel cathartic in the moment but usually escalates conflict. Studies suggest that mindful, constructive communication is far more effective in resolving issues.

4. Retaliation
   Keeping score or seeking revenge undermines safety in a relationship. Research on conflict resolution shows that forgiveness and repair attempts are far more successful in maintaining closeness.

5. Withdrawal
   Shutting down, giving the silent treatment, or disengaging emotionally leaves issues unresolved and partners feeling abandoned. Gottman’s research identifies withdrawal (stonewalling) as one of the most damaging behaviors in marriage.

Winning Strategies: The New Rules That Transform Relationships

Instead of these losing strategies, Terrance Real offers practical tools couples can use to nurture connection. These strategies align closely with evidence-based practices in couples therapy:

1. The Feedback Wheel

This structured communication tool helps partners share concerns without blame. The steps include:

• Asking permission to share

• Stating what was observed

• Naming the story you told yourself about it

• Expressing your feelings

• Making a clear request for change

Evidence shows that structured communication tools reduce defensiveness and increase empathy between partners.

2. From Complaints to Requests

Rather than rehashing what a partner did wrong, Terrance Real encourages making direct, positive requests. Research on behavior change highlights that clear requests and positive reinforcement increase cooperation and intimacy.

3. Appreciation and Celebrating Progress

Expressing gratitude for even small improvements builds momentum. Studies on positive reinforcement and “active constructive responding” confirm that appreciation strengthens relationships.

4. Mutual Empowerment

Both partners thrive when each feels supported, respected, and safe to be authentic. Evidence-based couples therapies, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), consistently show that fostering secure emotional bonds improves long-term outcomes.

Why This Matters Now

Terrence Real’s approach resonates because it combines clinical insight with actionable strategies. His work mirrors decades of relationship research: intimacy grows when partners replace blame with accountability, retaliation with repair, and criticism with curiosity.

Modern marriages thrive when both partners commit to learning and practicing new relational skills. As Real puts it, love is not just a feeling; it’s a daily practice.

Key Takeaways for Couples

• Old dynamics rooted in control, defensiveness, or withdrawal don’t work in modern marriages.

• Evidence-based research and Real’s clinical wisdom point toward the same solutions: empathy, accountability, appreciation, and constructive communication.

• Tools like the Feedback Wheel and request-focused dialogue give couples practical ways to build intimacy and trust.

Final Reflection

The New Rules of Marriage reminds us that lasting love isn’t about avoiding conflict, it’s about learning how to navigate it skillfully. By integrating Terrence Real’s strategies with what research shows about healthy relationships, couples can transform everyday struggles into opportunities for deeper connection.

If you’re looking to strengthen your marriage, consider experimenting with these new rules. You may find that the most powerful changes start with the smallest shifts: listening more openly, appreciating more often, and asking for what you need with clarity and compassion.

Unlock Your Best Love Life: Matthew Hussey’s Dating Rules Explained

Love isn't just about finding the “right person”, it's about meeting them as your most confident, authentic self. Matthew Hussey, a leading dating coach and author of Get the Guy, offers practical, empowering strategies that resonate with what psychology knows about attraction, connection, and sustainable relationships.

In this post, we'll unpack Hussey’s core dating mindsets, including the “skater, sinker, sideliner” framework, and align them with psychological insights to help you date more consciously and confidently.

Find Your Pace: Avoiding Dating Burnout with Hussey’s “Skater, Sinker, Sideliner” Archetypes

Matthew Hussey describes three common patterns people fall into over the course of dating:

• The Skater: Dates often, but never gets close. He explains this as someone fearful of being alone, rapidly moving from person to person without allowing true connection or vulnerability to form.

• The Sinker: Becomes quickly obsessed, over-investing emotionally and losing themselves in the process. Hussey connects this to anxious attachment, constantly analyzing messages and impressions, making it hard to stay grounded.

• The Sideliner: Avoids dating altogether due to past hurts or belief that no one is worth the effort, effectively sidelining themselves emotionally.

He frames these cycles as leading to dating burnout. Instead, he champions becoming a “swimmer”, someone moving at an organic pace, open to connection, and emotionally regulated. Matthew Hussey

Swim: Hussey’s “Healthy Dating Mindset” Aligns with Psychological Principles

1. Slow Dating Builds Real Connection

Hussey encourages taking time between dates to allow attraction and attraction stories to develop. This spacing supports emotional intimacy and prevents superficial impressions from dominating judgment.

Intentional pacing aligns with research on self-expansion in relationships. When people take time to genuinely know each other, they report greater satisfaction and connection.

2. Stay Present with Your Feelings

Hussey emphasizes feeling your feelings, whether hurt, disappointment, or joy, instead of skipping straight to the next person. This supports emotional healing, making room for authenticity next time you date.

Mindfulness and emotional processing strengthen resilience and reduce the compulsive urge to “fill the void” with new dates.

3. Connect, Don’t Impress

Hussey highlights how one friend revamped his dating profile with specific, quirky details, like enjoying coding while watching a Disney movie, to attract people who genuinely resonate.

Authenticity signals psychological safety. When we present our true selves, it attracts partners who are a better fit long-term rather than a crowd-pleasing “ideal.”

Mindset Shifts That Support Healthy Dating

Hussey Mindset Psychological Benefit

Slow pacing (“swimming”) Encourages reflection, reduces reactive dating behavior

Emotional presence Supports healing, prevents rebound burnout

Authentic connection > impressing Builds trust and deeper rapport from the start

These strategies elevate dating from exhaustion and disillusionment to clarity, growth, and presence.

Why This Matters for You

Many people turn to dating to “fix loneliness” or chase a quick validation. But Hedging your emotional safety early creates long-term barriers to connection. What Hussey (and psychological research) both support is: lasting connection flows from confidence, self-awareness, and authenticity, not chasing or pleasing.

Dating becomes not a distraction, but a path to self-discovery and deeper intimacy with someone who truly sees you.

Your Invitation: Adopt a “Swimmer Mindset”

• Set your rhythm. Space out dates so you can stay grounded and introspective.

• Notice your emotional responses. Are you rushing to the next date to avoid feelings? Pause and check in with yourself.

• Be unapologetically you. Share details that reflect your authentic life; your values, quirks, joys.

• Celebrate learning. Each date is an opportunity to know yourself better and refine what you truly desire.

In Matthew Hussey’s words, learning to swim in dating is about moving forward with hope and presence, whether the next step is toward another person or toward yourself.

How to Avoid Narcissists on Dating Apps: Evidence-Based Best Practices

Online dating can feel exciting and overwhelming. With endless profiles to scroll through, it’s easy to get caught up in the chase for connection. But one common concern many people face is: What if I end up with a narcissist?

Narcissistic traits (charm, confidence, charisma) can make someone stand out on a dating app. At first, that charm may feel flattering, even intoxicating. Over time, though, narcissistic behaviors often leave partners feeling manipulated, unseen, and emotionally drained.

The good news? Research shows there are ways to spot red flags early and protect your emotional well-being while dating online.

Why Narcissists Thrive on Dating Apps

Studies suggest that people high in narcissism are especially drawn to dating apps and social media because these platforms provide constant opportunities for attention and validation (Carter et al., 2016). The short-form, image-focused style of dating apps allows narcissists to highlight their best features while hiding deeper issues with empathy, vulnerability, and commitment.

That doesn’t mean everyone confident online is a narcissist, but it does mean learning to pause, reflect, and notice patterns is important.

Evidence-Based Red Flags to Watch For

1. Love Bombing

Excessive flattery, fast declarations of affection, and early talk of commitment can feel romantic but research on abusive relationship cycles shows this “love bombing” often precedes withdrawal, criticism, or manipulation.

Best Practice: Slow down. If someone is moving at lightning speed, give yourself permission to set boundaries and see if their interest holds steady over time.

2. Inconsistent Empathy

Narcissists may seem warm when things are going well but struggle to respond supportively when you share feelings, stress, or vulnerability.

Best practice: Notice how someone reacts to your needs. Do they validate your feelings, or dismiss and redirect the conversation back to themselves?

3. Excessive Focus on Image

Profiles filled with polished photos, status symbols, or superficial “selling points” may indicate self-promotion. Research shows narcissism correlates with self-enhancement strategies in online profiles.

Best practice: Look beyond the highlight reel. Ask questions about values, goals, and daily habits to see if depth matches the image.

4. Boundary Pushing

Narcissists often resist boundaries, whether it’s rushing intimacy, demanding constant texting, or showing frustration if you take space.

Best practice: Hold firm on your boundaries. A healthy partner will respect your pace and limits without pressuring you.

Protecting Yourself While Dating Online

Dating safely isn’t about being suspicious of everyone, it’s about staying grounded and clear about what you deserve. Here are research-backed strategies to support you:

• Practice slow dating. Studies show intentional pacing helps people make better choices and reduces “emotional flooding.”

• Use reflective journaling. Noting how you feel after interactions helps identify patterns of pressure, inconsistency, or discomfort.

• Check with trusted friends. Narcissists often isolate partners. Sharing your dating experiences with friends helps you reality-check impressions.

• Trust your intuition. Research on gut instincts shows people often pick up on subtle cues before they can articulate them. If something feels “off,” pause.

When to Seek Support

If you notice repeated experiences with partners who feel manipulative, critical, or emotionally unavailable, you may benefit from talking with a therapist. Therapy can help you:

• Strengthen boundaries

• Heal from past unhealthy relationships

• Build clarity about what you want in a partner

• Learn tools to recognize healthy vs. unhealthy dynamics

Final Reflection

Dating should feel exciting, safe, and full of possibility. By pacing yourself, noticing red flags, and trusting your instincts, you can reduce the risk of getting caught in a narcissist’s cycle and increase your chances of building a relationship grounded in respect, trust, and authenticity.

Because the right match won’t just dazzle you at first, they’ll show up consistently over time.

Green Flags in Online Dating: How to Spot a Healthy Partner Early

When you’re dating online, it’s easy to get caught up in the warning signs and red flags, especially if you’ve been hurt before. But focusing only on what to avoid can leave you feeling anxious or discouraged.

Just as important as learning to spot unhealthy patterns is recognizing the green flags! The qualities that signal someone may be capable of building a safe, supportive, and lasting relationship.

The good news? Research in psychology and relationship science has identified consistent behaviors that predict healthy, satisfying partnerships. Let’s explore the green flags you can look for while dating online.

1. Consistency Over Time

Narcissists and other unhealthy partners often start strong but fade or change quickly. Healthy partners show up with steady effort, whether it’s how often they message, how they follow through on plans, or how they express interest.

Green flag: Their words and actions match. You don’t feel like you’re guessing or decoding mixed signals.

2. Respect for Your Boundaries

Research shows that boundary-respecting partners contribute to greater satisfaction and lower conflict. Healthy partners won’t pressure you to move faster than you’re ready, and they honor your “no” without sulking or pushing.

Green flag: You feel safe expressing limits, and they respond with patience and understanding.

3. Genuine Curiosity About You

In healthy relationships, partners show active interest in each other’s inner worlds; dreams, fears, values. Psychologist John Gottman calls this building “love maps,” and it’s a strong predictor of long-term intimacy.

Green flag: They ask thoughtful questions, remember details, and show interest in more than just surface-level attraction.

4. Emotional Availability

Emotional availability means someone can share feelings, listen to yours, and show empathy. Research in attachment theory highlights that secure partners offer responsiveness and comfort when you’re vulnerable.

Green flag: When you share something personal, they listen with care, validate your feelings, and stay engaged instead of withdrawing or deflecting.

5. Accountability and Self-Reflection

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. What matters is how partners handle it. People who can admit mistakes, apologize, and grow from experiences create safer, more resilient bonds.

Green flag: They own their part in misunderstandings and work with you to repair, instead of blaming or stonewalling.

6. Balanced Effort

A healthy partnership feels reciprocal; both people invest energy, time, and care. Research on equity in relationships shows that fairness in effort is linked to higher satisfaction and stability.

Green flag: You feel like they are equally invested in getting to know you, planning dates, and building a connection.

7. Shared Values and Lifestyle Compatibility

Attraction may spark quickly, but long-term relationships thrive when partners align on core values and life goals. Studies show that compatibility in values (e.g., family, career, lifestyle) predicts long-term satisfaction.

Green flag: Conversations about the future feel natural, not forced, and you notice alignment in your bigger life priorities.

Practical Tips for Spotting Green Flags Online

• Read between the lines of profiles. Look for mentions of values, hobbies, or long-term goals rather than just surface qualities.

• Take your time. Green flags become clearer over multiple conversations and dates.

• Check how you feel. Do you feel calmer, safer, and more authentic when talking with them? Your nervous system is often the best detector of safety.

Final Reflection

Online dating doesn’t have to feel like dodging red flags, it can also be about celebrating the green flags that signal real possibility. When you learn to spot consistency, respect, curiosity, and emotional availability, you give yourself permission to lean into relationships that nurture rather than drain you.

Remember: the right match won’t just avoid hurting you! They’ll actively help you feel seen, valued, and safe.

What Divorce Can Teach Us About Love

James Sexton is a seasoned divorce attorney who has seen thousands of marriages end—and hundreds more that might have been saved. In his bestselling books If You’re in My Office, It’s Already Too Late and How to Stay in Love, Sexton distills years of hard lessons into practical advice for couples who want to protect their love before it’s too late.

His message is simple: if we pay attention to what breaks marriages, we can learn how to make them last.

Here’s a roundup of Sexton’s best advice on marriage, divorce, and relationships—woven together with what psychology tells us about love.

1. Small Things Matter Most

Sexton often says that marriages don’t usually end because of big betrayals, they end because of small, daily neglect. The missed “thank you,” the distracted phone scrolling, the lack of interest in each other’s inner world.

John Gottman’s studies on marriage echo this point. He found that small “bids for connection” (like sharing a thought or joke) make or break long-term happiness. Couples who respond to each other’s bids stay together; couples who ignore them drift apart.

Don’t underestimate the power of the little things—gratitude, eye contact, asking about your partner’s day.

2. Affairs Aren’t Always About Sex

In Sexton’s experience, many affairs begin not from a lack of physical intimacy but from a lack of emotional connection. People cheat because they feel unseen, unheard, or unappreciated in their marriage.

Studies on infidelity support this; emotional dissatisfaction often predicts affairs more than sexual dissatisfaction.

Nurture emotional intimacy. Compliments, appreciation, and curiosity about your partner’s world matter as much as physical closeness.

3. Technology Can Be Toxic

Sexton has witnessed countless divorces sparked or accelerated by technology; endless scrolling, secret social media accounts, or simply prioritizing devices over partners.

Recent studies show that “phubbing” (phone snubbing) predicts lower relationship satisfaction. Constant digital distraction erodes intimacy and signals disinterest.

Set tech boundaries. Eat dinner without your phone, or put it away for the first 30 minutes you’re home together.

4. Divorce Is Often Death by a Thousand Cuts

Sexton says people rarely file for divorce after one fight. It’s the accumulation of unresolved arguments, ignored needs, and small acts of disconnection that eventually lead one partner to say, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Longitudinal studies confirm that chronic low-level conflict; criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, predicts divorce even more than rare explosive arguments.

Don’t let problems fester. Address issues early, with respect and calm curiosity.

5. Marriage Is a Daily Choice

Perhaps Sexton’s most powerful insight: staying in love requires intentional effort. Many couples assume love should be automatic. But Sexton argues, from years of watching couples unravel, that love is maintained through daily, conscious action.

Attachment theory supports that secure, lasting bonds are built on consistent investment and responsiveness.

Treat your marriage as something to actively nurture, not something that will run on autopilot.

6. Ask: “What Story Will My Partner Tell?”

Sexton encourages couples to think about how their partner would describe them to a friend. Are you the attentive, kind spouse—or the distracted, critical one? This perspective shift can spark accountability and empathy.

Narrative psychology suggests that how people tell the story of their relationship predicts whether they stay together. Positive storytelling = stronger bonds.

Aim to be the partner your spouse would be proud to describe.

Final Reflection: Learn From the End to Protect the Beginning

James Sexton’s advice may sound blunt, but it’s deeply hopeful. He’s seen firsthand how marriages fall apart, which gives him unique clarity on what keeps them strong: daily attention, emotional intimacy, tech boundaries, and active choice.

The truth is, most divorces Sexton handles didn’t have to happen. By learning from the patterns he’s observed, couples can protect their love long before they reach a lawyer’s office.

As Sexton reminds us: marriage is like tending a fire—it won’t stay lit if you stop feeding it.

Red Flags of Cheating: How to Recognize the Signs and Understand What “Cheating” Really Means

Few things shake the foundation of a relationship more than the suspicion of infidelity. Wondering if your partner is cheating can leave you feeling anxious, distrustful, and even questioning your own perceptions.

Before diving into the red flags, it’s important to first clarify what cheating actually means.

What Counts as Cheating?

Cheating isn’t always about sex. It can be any behavior that crosses agreed-upon boundaries of exclusivity in a relationship. The exact definition varies from couple to couple, but most psychologists define cheating as:

A betrayal of trust through physical, emotional, or digital intimacy outside the relationship.

Common forms include:

• Physical infidelity: sexual contact with someone else.

• Emotional infidelity: building a deep emotional bond or intimacy outside the relationship that replaces or threatens the bond with your partner.

• Digital infidelity: sexting, sending explicit photos, or maintaining secret online relationships.

• Financial infidelity: hiding or secretly spending money in ways that impact the relationship.

Research shows that for many people, emotional affairs can feel just as painful as physical ones because they represent a shift in intimacy and loyalty.

Red Flags That May Signal Cheating

While none of these signs prove infidelity on their own, patterns of behavior may raise concern—especially when multiple red flags appear together.

1. Sudden Secrecy With Devices

• Guarding their phone, changing passwords, or taking calls in private.

• Quickly closing apps or screens when you walk in.

A 2020 study found that technology use is often a gateway for hidden affairs, particularly through messaging apps and social media.

2. Changes in Intimacy

• Sharp decreases (or sudden unexplained increases) in physical affection or sex.

• Emotional distance—less eye contact, fewer conversations about feelings, less interest in your world.

Infidelity often creates noticeable shifts in emotional or physical connection at home, either through withdrawal or overcompensation.

3. Altered Routines

• New work hours, frequent “last-minute” commitments, or sudden interest in solo activities.

• Being unreachable during certain times.

  Studies show that changes in patterns—time, money, communication—are among the most commonly reported signs when affairs are uncovered.

4. Emotional Withdrawal or Irritability

• Becoming more critical or distant.

• Picking fights that create separation or justify pulling away.

Some partners unconsciously create conflict as a way to rationalize their behavior or avoid intimacy with their spouse.

5. Overcompensation

• Unusual amounts of flattery, surprise gifts, or sudden bursts of attention that feel “out of character.”

• This may reflect guilt or an attempt to mask other behaviors.

6. Financial Inconsistencies

• Unexplained charges, cash withdrawals, or expenses that don’t add up.

• Sudden changes in financial openness.

Financial secrecy often accompanies cheating, particularly when money supports outings, hotels, or gifts.

A Note of Caution

It’s important to remember: red flags are not proof. There are many reasons a partner might become more private, distracted, or stressed that have nothing to do with infidelity.

Jumping to conclusions without evidence can harm the relationship. What matters most is whether these changes are discussed openly and whether trust can be reestablished.

What To Do If You Suspect Cheating

1. Pause before confronting. Gather your thoughts, regulate your emotions, and avoid accusations made in anger.

2. Communicate calmly. Use “I” statements: “I’ve noticed you seem more distant lately, and I feel worried about our connection.”

3. Seek support. Talking with a therapist (individually or as a couple) can help you explore concerns, set boundaries, and rebuild trust.

4. Clarify boundaries. Every couple defines cheating differently. If those boundaries have never been discussed, now may be the time.

Final Reflection

Cheating (whether physical, emotional, or digital) is ultimately about broken trust. While red flags can alert you to possible issues, the most important step is open, honest conversation.

If you’re feeling uncertain or hurt, reaching out for professional support can help you navigate whether the relationship can be repaired or whether it’s time to move forward.

Because at its core, every healthy partnership rests on trust, transparency, and respect.

Surviving Narcissism: Insights from Dr. Ramani Durasula’s Work

Being in a relationship with a narcissist; whether as a partner, parent, coworker, or friend, can leave you feeling drained, confused, and doubting your own reality. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and one of the leading experts on narcissism, has dedicated her career to educating people about this painful dynamic.

Her message is clear: you may not be able to change a narcissist, but you can learn to protect yourself, preserve your sanity, and rebuild your life.

Here’s a client-friendly summary of Dr. Ramani’s key insights, along with practical tips for coping with narcissism.

What Is Narcissism?

Narcissism exists on a spectrum. At its most extreme, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is characterized by:

• Lack of empathy

• Need for admiration

• Sense of entitlement

• Exploitation of others

• Difficulty with accountability

Not every difficult person is a narcissist, but if you consistently feel unseen, manipulated, or blamed in a relationship, narcissistic traits may be at play.

Dr. Ramani’s Core Message

Dr. Ramani emphasizes one difficult truth: narcissists rarely change. Traditional approaches like reasoning, appeasing, or hoping for a breakthrough usually don’t work. The path forward is not about “fixing” them, but about shifting your expectations and boundaries.

Survival Tips for Dealing With Narcissism

1. Learn the Patterns

Narcissistic relationships often follow cycles: love-bombing, devaluing, gaslighting, discarding, and sometimes hoovering (pulling you back in).

Tip: Understanding these patterns helps you stop taking their behavior personally. Their manipulation says more about them than it does about you.

2. Gray Rock Technique

When leaving isn’t possible (e.g., with a parent or coworker), Dr. Ramani often recommends the “gray rock” method: responding in a neutral, unemotional, and boring way to minimize drama.

Tip: Keep interactions short, simple, and free of emotional fuel.

3. Set Boundaries—and Keep Them

Narcissists will push, test, and try to override limits. Boundaries are your lifeline.

Tip: Be clear and consistent. For example: “I won’t discuss this topic right now. If you continue, I’ll step away.” Follow through calmly.

4. Stop Chasing Validation

Narcissists are unlikely to give you the empathy or accountability you crave. Waiting for that moment can keep you stuck.

Tip: Grieve the relationship you wish you had, and focus on giving yourself the validation you deserve through therapy, support groups, and healthy connections.

5. Build Your Reality Anchors

Gaslighting, making you doubt your memory or feelings, is common.

Tip: Keep a journal, confide in trusted friends, or work with a therapist to stay grounded in your truth.

6. Practice Radical Acceptance

This doesn’t mean approving of their behavior. It means acknowledging who they are and adjusting your expectations accordingly.

Tip: Instead of asking, “Why won’t they change?” try asking, “Given who they are, what do I need to protect my peace?”

7. Prioritize Self-Care and Healing

Living with narcissistic abuse can erode your self-esteem and nervous system. Healing takes intentional effort.

Tip: Therapy, mindfulness, journaling, supportive communities, and even limiting social media exposure to the narcissist can help you rebuild.

Final Reflection

Dr. Ramani’s work gives hope to those caught in the painful web of narcissism—not by promising that the narcissist will change, but by reminding you that you can change how you respond.

Remember:

• You didn’t cause their behavior.

• You can’t cure it.

• But you can control your boundaries, your healing, and your future.

Surviving narcissism is about reclaiming your power and rediscovering your worth. And you don’t have to do it alone—therapy and support networks can make the journey safer and more empowering.

Friendship Matters: A Guide for Teens and Young Adults

Friendships during the teen and young adult years can feel like everything. Friends are the people you laugh with, lean on, and sometimes fight with. They can be a source of joy and belonging, but also of stress or confusion. The good news is that the skills of making, keeping, and being a good friend can be learned and strengthened, just like any other life skill.

Research shows that close friendships in adolescence and young adulthood are strongly linked to better mental health, greater resilience, and even physical well-being later in life (Allen et al., 2015; Bagwell & Schmidt, 2011). In short: the effort you put into building and nurturing friendships is an investment in your long-term happiness and health.

How to Make Friends

Making new friends can feel intimidating, but psychologists note that friendship often grows from repeated, low-pressure contact (Parks & Floyd, 1996). Think of it as planting seeds: with time and care, connections deepen.

• Start with shared activities. Join clubs, sports, study groups, or volunteer opportunities. Shared interests naturally create opportunities for connection.

• Show openness through body language. Smile, make eye contact, and use small gestures of friendliness. These cues invite others in.

• Practice small talk. Even a simple, “Hey, how was your weekend?” can open the door to deeper conversations.

• Be patient. Not every attempt at connection turns into friendship. That’s normal. Keep trying.

How to Keep Friends

Research suggests that the quality—not the number—of friendships matters most (Bukowski et al., 2019). To keep friendships strong:

• Stay consistent. Regular check-ins—texts, calls, hanging out—help maintain closeness.

• Balance give and take. Healthy friendships involve both support and reciprocity.

• Repair conflicts. Disagreements are normal. What matters is being willing to apologize, forgive, and move forward.

• Respect boundaries. Everyone needs space at times. Honoring that keeps friendships healthy.

How to Be a Good Friend

Being a good friend is less about grand gestures and more about everyday actions. Research on social support shows that feeling truly understood by a friend is one of the most powerful predictors of relationship satisfaction (Reis et al., 2004).

• Listen more than you talk. Sometimes the best support is simply being present.

• Show empathy. Try to see things from your friend’s perspective.

• Celebrate wins and comfort losses. Being there in both good and hard times deepens trust.

• Encourage growth. Good friends support each other’s goals and push each other toward healthier choices.

Other Helpful Guidelines for Friendships

• Quality over quantity. Having one or two close friends often matters more than having a large social circle.

• Online friendships can be real friendships. Digital connections can be meaningful, but balance them with in-person interactions for deeper bonds.

• Friendships change and that’s okay. As you grow, your needs and values shift. Some friendships fade while others strengthen. This is a normal part of life.

• Know when a friendship isn’t healthy. If a friendship is consistently one-sided, controlling, or harmful, it’s okay to set boundaries or step away.

Holding On to Hope

Making and keeping friends can be challenging, especially in the teen and young adult years when so much else is changing. But remember: friendships don’t have to be perfect to be powerful. By showing up with openness, kindness, and patience, you give yourself (and others) the chance to build meaningful connections that last.

Friendship is one of the most important “life skills” we ever learn. And like any skill, it gets stronger the more we practice.

Parenting with Purpose: Evidence-Based Tips for Raising Resilient Kids

Parenting is one of the most rewarding, and most challenging, jobs in the world. Every parent wants their child to feel safe, loved, and supported, but knowing exactly how to provide that day-to-day can be overwhelming. The good news? Research in child development and psychology has given us clear insights into what helps children thrive.

Below are evidence-based parenting practices, like consistency, structure, and effective responses to behavior, that can support healthier family dynamics and happier kids.

The Power of Consistency

Children thrive when they know what to expect. Research consistently shows that predictable routines and consistent responses reduce behavior problems and promote emotional regulation (McLoyd et al., 2007).

• Why it works: Consistency provides children with a sense of safety and stability.

• How to do it: Follow through with what you say. If bedtime is 8:00, keep it close to that each night. If a consequence is set, calmly enforce it.

Schedules and Routines

Routines aren’t just about order, they’re about security. A study in the Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics found that children with regular family routines show higher levels of social-emotional health (Ferretti & Bub, 2017).

• Why it works: Routines reduce uncertainty, lower stress, and build habits.

• How to do it: Establish predictable rhythms for meals, schoolwork, play, and bedtime. Flexibility is fine, but a general structure helps kids feel grounded.

Responding to Behaviors

Children’s behaviors are a form of communication. How parents respond, both to positive and challenging behaviors, shapes what kids learn about themselves and the world.

Positive Reinforcement

Positive reinforcement is one of the most powerful parenting tools. Research shows that children repeat behaviors that are followed by attention or reward (Skinner, 1953).

• Why it works: Praise and encouragement strengthen desired behaviors.

• How to do it: Be specific. Instead of “Good job,” say “I really appreciate how you shared your toys with your sister.”

Negative Reinforcement vs. Punishment

Negative reinforcement often gets confused with punishment. Negative reinforcement means removing something unpleasant when a child behaves appropriately (for example, stopping nagging once homework is done). Punishment, on the other hand, introduces an unpleasant consequence to reduce unwanted behavior.

• Why it works (when used thoughtfully): Research suggests that positive reinforcement is more effective long-term than punishment (Gershoff, 2013). However, clear and calm consequences for harmful behaviors help children understand limits.

• How to do it: Focus on reinforcing positive behaviors most of the time. Use punishment sparingly and never harshly—natural and logical consequences are usually most effective.

Emotional Connection Comes First

Even with structure and discipline, the parent-child relationship is the foundation. Attachment theory research shows that children who feel securely connected to caregivers are more resilient and better able to manage emotions (Bowlby, 1988).

• How to do it: Spend intentional time together, listen to your child’s perspective, and show empathy, even when setting boundaries.

Putting It All Together

Effective parenting blends warmth with structure. Here’s a quick formula backed by research:

• Be consistent in routines and follow-through.

• Use positive reinforcement generously.

• Apply consequences calmly and fairly when needed.

• Maintain a strong emotional connection through listening, empathy, and time together.

Parenting isn’t about perfection, it’s about presence and persistence. Even small, consistent steps toward structure and connection create lasting benefits for your child’s well-being.

Your everyday choices, how you respond, how you connect, how you guide, are shaping your child’s resilience and self-worth in powerful ways.

Supporting Your Teen Through Self-Harm: A Guide for Parents

Few things are more frightening for a parent than discovering that their child is engaging in self-harm, such as cutting. You may feel shocked, confused, heartbroken, or even guilty. These reactions are natural, but what matters most is how you respond moving forward.

Self-harm is not about seeking attention or manipulation. It’s usually a coping strategy: a way to release overwhelming emotions or gain a sense of control. While it may bring temporary relief, it can quickly become a dangerous cycle. Research shows that adolescents who self-harm are at higher risk for depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts (Muehlenkamp & Kerr, 2010). Early, compassionate intervention can make a critical difference.

Why Teens Engage in Self-Harm

Teens may turn to cutting or other forms of self-harm for different reasons:

• To cope with intense emotions (anger, sadness, numbness)

• To feel relief from emotional pain or tension

• To express feelings they can’t put into words

• To regain a sense of control when life feels chaotic

• To punish themselves due to guilt or shame

Understanding the “why” doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it helps shift your perspective from anger or fear to compassion and support.

Warning Signs of Self-Harm and Escalation

Be alert for:

• Unexplained cuts, burns, or scars (often on arms, thighs, or stomach)

• Wearing long sleeves or pants even in hot weather

• Frequent “accidents” or excuses for injuries

• Withdrawal from friends, activities, or family

• Sharp mood swings, irritability, or emotional numbness

• Items like razors, glass, or lighters kept hidden

Red flags for escalation or suicide risk include:

• Talking about hopelessness or wanting to die

• Expressing feelings of being a burden

• Increased frequency or severity of self-harm

• Combining self-harm with substance use

If you suspect suicidal intent, seek help immediately, call 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the U.S.) or go to the nearest emergency room.

How Parents Can Respond

1. Stay Calm

Your initial response sets the tone. It’s natural to feel panicked, but showing shock or anger can push your teen further into secrecy.

2. Approach With Compassion

Try:

• “I noticed some cuts on your arm. I want you to know I love you and I’m here to listen, not judge.”

• “It seems like you’re in a lot of pain. I may not understand everything you’re feeling, but I want to.”

3. Listen Without Trying to Fix Immediately

Teens need to feel heard before they’re ready to accept help. Avoid lecturing or minimizing (e.g., “You don’t need to do this” or “It’s just a phase”).

4. Encourage Professional Support

Self-harm often signals underlying emotional struggles like depression, trauma, or anxiety. Evidence-based treatments such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) are highly effective in reducing self-harm (Mehlum et al., 2016). Encourage your teen to connect with a therapist experienced in these approaches.

5. Promote Healthy Coping Strategies

Help your teen experiment with safer outlets for intense emotions, such as:

• Physical activity (running, yoga, punching a pillow)

• Creative expression (art, journaling, music)

• Sensory tools (holding ice, snapping a rubber band, using grounding techniques)

• Relaxation practices (deep breathing, mindfulness)

6. Create a Safer Environment

Limit access to sharp objects, medications, or other tools of self-harm when possible. This isn’t about controlling your teen—it’s about reducing risk while healthier coping strategies are built.

Scripts Parents Can Use

• Opening a conversation:
  “I’ve noticed you seem really down lately, and I care about you. Can we talk about what’s been going on?”

• Responding to disclosure:
  “Thank you for telling me. That must have been hard to share. I’m glad you trusted me with this.”

• Encouraging professional help:
  “I think talking with a therapist could really help. We don’t have to figure everything out alone, and you deserve support.”

• Setting safety expectations:
  “I want to work with you to make things safer at home. Let’s come up with a plan together that feels supportive, not controlling.”

Taking Care of Yourself as a Parent

Supporting a child who self-harms is emotionally exhausting. Seek support for yourself—whether through counseling, support groups, or trusted friends. When you are grounded, you can better offer stability for your teen.

Final Thoughts

Self-harm is a sign of deep emotional pain—not a reflection of your child’s worth, or your failure as a parent. With compassion, professional support, and patience, healing is possible. Many teens who struggle with self-harm go on to build fulfilling, resilient lives.

The most powerful message you can give your teen is this: You are not alone, and we will get through this together.

The Hidden Risks of Pornography Exposure for Kids and Teens

In today’s digital world, children and teens have unprecedented access to the internet, and with it, exposure to pornography at younger ages than ever before. Research suggests that the average age of first exposure is now between 11 and 13 years old, often through accidental encounters on smartphones or social media (Owens et al., 2012).

While discussions about pornography can feel uncomfortable, it’s a critical mental health and developmental issue. Exposure during key stages of brain and identity development can have lasting impacts on how young people view themselves, relationships, and sexuality.

Why Pornography Exposure Matters

Adolescence is a time of exploration, curiosity, and identity formation. The brain is especially sensitive to rewards, novelty, and social learning. Because of this, pornography isn’t just entertainment — it can shape beliefs, expectations, and behaviors in powerful ways.

1. Unrealistic Expectations

Pornography often portrays sex as performance-based, focused on physical gratification, and disconnected from intimacy or consent. For young viewers, this can create distorted beliefs about what healthy relationships and sexual experiences should look like (Peter & Valkenburg, 2016).

2. Impact on Brain Development

The adolescent brain is wired for novelty-seeking, and sexual content is particularly stimulating. Repeated exposure can reinforce reward pathways in ways that increase impulsivity and risk-taking (Kraus et al., 2016). Some teens may struggle with compulsive use, which can interfere with school, sleep, and social life.

3. Objectification and Gender Attitudes

Studies show that pornography use is associated with greater acceptance of sexual objectification, rigid gender roles, and even aggressive attitudes toward women (Wright et al., 2016). For boys, this may normalize aggression; for girls, it can foster pressure to conform to unrealistic standards.

4. Mental Health Links

Research has connected early or heavy pornography use to:

• Higher levels of anxiety and depression (Rissel et al., 2017).

• Lower self-esteem and body image issues, especially in girls.

• Greater risk of loneliness, secrecy, and shame.

5. Relationship Consequences

For teens just beginning to form intimate relationships, pornography may reduce satisfaction with real-life partners and undermine the development of healthy communication and consent (Brown & L’Engle, 2009).

What Parents and Caregivers Can Do

Completely shielding children from online pornography is nearly impossible, but there are evidence-based steps that help reduce harm:

• Start the conversation early: Age-appropriate discussions about healthy relationships, consent, and respect should begin before adolescence. When parents talk openly, kids are less likely to internalize shame or misinformation.

• Normalize curiosity: Acknowledge that sexual curiosity is normal, but explain why pornography is not a healthy teacher.

• Teach digital literacy: Help kids understand that what they see online — including pornography — is often unrealistic and scripted.

• Set boundaries: Use parental controls, device-free bedrooms at night, and clear family expectations about internet use.

• Model healthy attitudes: Kids absorb cues from parents. Modeling respect, healthy communication, and boundaries in relationships has lasting impact.

• Offer ongoing support: If a child discloses exposure or struggle, respond with calm and openness. Punishment often drives secrecy, while support opens the door to guidance.

The Takeaway

Pornography exposure is not a fringe issue, it’s a widespread reality for today’s kids and teens. While curiosity about sex is natural, the risks of pornography lie in how it can distort expectations, impact brain development, and shape unhealthy beliefs about relationships and intimacy.

By combining open conversations, clear boundaries, and digital literacy, parents and professionals can help children navigate this reality with resilience and healthier understanding.

References

• Brown, J. D., & L’Engle, K. L. (2009). X-rated: Sexual attitudes and behaviors associated with U.S. early adolescents’ exposure to sexually explicit media. Communication Research, 36(1), 129–151.

• Kraus, S. W., Voon, V., & Potenza, M. N. (2016). Neurobiology of compulsive sexual behavior: Emerging science. Neuropsychopharmacology, 41(1), 385–386.

• Owens, E. W., Behun, R. J., Manning, J. C., & Reid, R. C. (2012). The impact of internet pornography on adolescents: A review of the research. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 19(1–2), 99–122.

• Peter, J., & Valkenburg, P. M. (2016). Adolescents and pornography: A review of 20 years of research. The Journal of Sex Research, 53(4–5), 509–531.

• Rissel, C., Richters, J., de Visser, R. O., McKee, A., Yeung, A., & Caruana, T. (2017). A profile of pornography users in Australia: Findings from the second Australian study of health and relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 227–240.

• Wright, P. J., Tokunaga, R. S., & Kraus, A. (2016). A meta-analysis of pornography consumption and actual acts of sexual aggression in general population studies. Journal of Communication, 66(1), 183–205.

App Safety for Kids and Teens: What Parents Need to Know

In today’s digital world, apps are woven into daily life. They connect us, entertain us, and even support learning. For kids and teens, though, apps can also open doors to risks that parents may not see right away. As a parent, you don’t need to be a tech expert to help your child navigate safelu. you just need awareness, curiosity, and a commitment to staying connected.

Why App Safety Matters

Research shows that children and adolescents spend an average of 5–8 hours a day online, much of it on apps (Common Sense Media, 2021). While many apps are harmless or even beneficial, some carry risks like:

• Exposure to inappropriate content (sexual, violent, or harmful material)

• Cyberbullying and harassment

• Predatory behavior and grooming by adults pretending to be peers

• Privacy risks—apps often collect and share personal data

• Negative impacts on mental health, including increased anxiety, depression, or body image concerns (Twenge & Campbell, 2018)

Understanding these risks doesn’t mean banning apps altogether; it means helping your child use them thoughtfully and safely.

Apps That Deserve Extra Caution

While risks exist on many platforms, certain apps consistently raise concerns among child safety experts:

• Anonymous chat apps (e.g., Yik Yak, Whisper, Omegle): anonymity increases the risk of bullying, sexual content, and predatory contact.

• Disappearing message apps (e.g., Snapchat): disappearing messages can encourage risky sharing and make monitoring difficult.

• Location-sharing apps (e.g., Snapchat’s Snap Map, some gaming apps): can expose kids’ real-time location to peers—or strangers.

• Image- and video-heavy apps (e.g., TikTok, Instagram): while popular, they can fuel unhealthy comparisons, body image struggles, and exposure to inappropriate content.

• Gaming apps with chat features (e.g., Roblox, Discord, Fortnite): often fun and social, but chat functions can expose kids to harassment or predatory behavior.

It’s not that every child will encounter these risks, but knowing where the vulnerabilities lie helps you guide safer use.

Evidence-Based Strategies for Parents

1. Stay Involved, Not Invasive

Research shows that parental monitoring, when done with warmth and respect, reduces risky online behaviors (Livingstone & Helsper, 2008). Instead of secret surveillance, try shared conversations: “Which apps do you like most? Can you show me how they work?”

2. Talk About Digital Citizenship Early and Often

Kids benefit from open discussions about kindness, respect, and safety online. Normalize conversations about cyberbullying, sexting, or pressure to share personal information before these situations arise.

3. Use Parental Controls Wisely

Tools like screen time limits, app usage reports, and filtering software can help. But they work best when paired with trust and ongoing dialogue, not as the only line of defense.

4. Model Healthy Tech Habits

Children learn as much from what you do as what you say. Demonstrating balanced screen use, unplugging at family meals, and setting phone-free times shows them what healthy boundaries look like.

5. Encourage Critical Thinking

Instead of just saying “Don’t use that app,” help your teen think critically: “What information is this app asking for? Who could see what you share here? How might this affect you later?” Empowering kids to evaluate risks builds resilience.

6. Know When to Seek Help

If you notice sudden withdrawal, secretive online behavior, or signs of anxiety, depression, or bullying, it may be time to seek professional support. Therapists, pediatricians, or school counselors can help you and your child navigate these challenges.

A Balanced Approach

The goal isn’t to create fear or ban every app, it’s to equip kids and teens to use technology safely and wisely. Apps can be powerful tools for creativity, learning, and connection. With open communication, reasonable limits, and ongoing awareness, you can help your child build a healthy relationship with technology.

Parent Resource Box: Where to Turn for Guidance

• Common Sense Media – Trusted reviews and safety ratings for apps, games, movies, and more.

• National Center for Missing & Exploited Children’s CyberTipline – A resource to report online exploitation and get support.

• Family Online Safety Institute (FOSI) – Research, tools, and guides for parents navigating the digital world.

• StopBullying.gov – Practical resources for handling and preventing cyberbullying.

• American Academy of Pediatrics – Media Safety Guidelines – Evidence-based recommendations on children’s media use.

Parenting a Teen with Disordered Eating

Parenting a teenager is never simple, but when your child is struggling with an eating disorder (or showing signs of disordered eating) the stakes feel higher, the worries sharper, and the path forward less clear. You may find yourself walking on eggshells, unsure whether to step in, step back, or how to help at all. If you’re in this place, you are not alone, and there is hope.

Understanding the Landscape of Eating Disorders

Eating disorders are not a phase or a choice. They are serious mental health conditions with physical, emotional, and social consequences. Research shows that early intervention significantly improves outcomes (National Institute of Mental Health, 2021). Even patterns of disordered eating, such as restrictive dieting, binge eating, or compulsive exercise, can increase the risk of developing a full eating disorder and should be taken seriously.

Adolescence is a particularly vulnerable time. Body image concerns, peer comparisons, and social media pressures collide with a developmental drive for independence. Genetics, temperament, and family stress can all play a role. Recognizing that these are complex, multifactorial conditions can help shift the focus from blame to understanding.

The Power of Parental Support

Parents sometimes fear they’ll “make things worse” by saying the wrong thing. But research consistently highlights the vital role of family in recovery. Family-Based Treatment (FBT), for example, is one of the most evidence-supported approaches for adolescents with anorexia nervosa (Lock & Le Grange, 2015). It empowers parents to take an active role in supporting healthy eating while gradually returning control to the teen as they heal.

Even outside formal treatment, parental warmth, consistency, and non-judgmental support make a profound difference. Your teen may push back, but your presence and calm persistence communicate safety in the storm.

Practical Ways to Support Your Teen

1. Foster open communication.
Use curiosity rather than confrontation. Instead of “You have to eat more,” try “I notice meals feel stressful for you lately—can you help me understand what’s hardest right now?” Listening without immediate correction builds trust. The communication should not be around food and eating, but instead about emotions.

2. Be mindful of language around food and body.
Teens are deeply sensitive to how adults talk about dieting, weight, or “good” versus “bad” foods. Aim for a neutral, flexible approach that emphasizes nourishment, balance, and enjoyment.

3. Create a supportive mealtime environment.
Regular family meals have been linked to lower rates of disordered eating (Neumark-Sztainer et al., 2010). Keep meals as calm as possible, focusing on connection rather than control.

4. Collaborate with professionals.
Early evaluation by a pediatrician, therapist, or dietitian with expertise in eating disorders is key. Don’t wait for things to feel “bad enough.” A professional team can provide medical monitoring, therapy, and nutritional guidance.

5. Care for yourself, too.
Parents often neglect their own well-being while trying to help their child. Yet your steadiness is part of your teen’s recovery. Seeking your own support through therapy, support groups, or community so you stay grounded.

Holding on to Hope

Recovery is not linear. There will be setbacks, and moments of frustration or fear. But research shows that with the right treatment and family support, most adolescents recover fully (Le Grange & Lock, 2020). Healing takes time, but every effort you make; every meal shared, every patient conversation, every reminder of your unconditional love, adds to the foundation of recovery.

Parenting through an eating disorder is one of the hardest things you may ever face, but you don’t have to do it alone. With professional guidance, family connection, and evidence-based support, you and your teen can find your way back to health and hope.

Hidden in Plain Sight: Understanding the Risks of Minor Sex Trafficking in Grand Rapids

Why Focus on Grand Rapids?

Sex trafficking isn't a distant or abstract threat—it affects communities close to home. In Grand Rapids and Kent County, the average age of entry into commercial sex trafficking is just 15.2 years—a stark and sobering figure. Every month, approximately 85 new individuals are advertised online for coerced commercial sex, translating to around 1,000 new victims each year in our region Calvin University Chimes.

Recent reports also reveal that local law enforcement is identifying more trafficking cases than ever. In 2024, the Kent County Sheriff’s Department discovered over 90 victims, up from 60 the previous year, and projects nearly 120 by year-end. Alarmingly, more than half of those are girls aged 17 or younger Wood TV.

The Mechanics: How Minors Become Trafficking Victims

1. Online Grooming and Coercion

Adolescents are increasingly targeted through social media. Groomers exploit emotional needs—offering attention, money, or escape—and may manipulate teens into exploitation without ever meeting in person FOX 17 West Michigan News (WXMI)therapidian.org.

2. False Promises and Local Exploitation

Traffickers often recruit teens with the promise of modeling, money, or a safe escape from home, then coerce or force them into commercial sex. A known case in 2016 involved minors aged 15–16 being trafficked through motels in Grand Rapids and Holland under such pretenses Department of Justice.

3. Control Through Trauma and Dependence

Many victims are controlled via physical abuse, drugs, emotional manipulation, or financial dependence—often resulting in complex psychological trauma that echoes long after escape Wikipedia.

Real Cases Underscore the Stakes

• Eddie Allen Jackson Case (2014): A trafficker received a 30-year prison sentence for recruiting girls aged 14–16. He used drugs, violence, and emotional abuse to maintain control over his victims Federal Bureau of Investigation.

• Torey Franklin Case (2022): A Grand Rapids man was charged with sex trafficking a 17-year-old, producing child pornography, and distributing it—charges that carry life-altering penalties https://www.wilx.comDepartment of Justice.

The Mental and Physical Toll on Minors

Sex trafficking inflicts deep and lasting trauma on minors, including:

• Complex PTSD, depression, anxiety, dissociation, substance misuse, self-harm, and self-destructive behaviors.

• Physical health consequences such as untreated injuries, STIs, and chronic health issues resulting from prolonged exploitation

What Can the Community Do?

This is a multifaceted issue—and combating it requires a united response.

1. Recognize Warning Signals
Symptoms might include sudden behavioral changes, unexplained new wealth, signs of physical bruising, possession of phones or hotel key cards, or inappropriate relationships with older individuals Federal Bureau of InvestigationFOX 17 West Michigan News (WXMI).

2. Strengthen Awareness and Education
Events and public forums—like those hosted by the Grand Rapids Human Trafficking Work Group—educate parents, teachers, and professionals to better identify and understand local risks wgvunews.org.

3. Support Local Task Forces and Coalitions
Groups such as the Kent County Human Trafficking Coalition and Safe Haven Ministries provide critical services to survivors—housing, counseling, and legal support Calvin University ChimesWood TV.

4. Promote Collaboration Across Sectors
Police, schools, social services, businesses, and faith communities must coordinate to identify cases early, share intelligence, and support victims holistically Calvin University Chimes.

5. Advocate for Policy and Funding
Michigan has strengthened anti-trafficking laws, including safe harbor provisions and enhanced penalties for traffickers. Continued support for these laws ensures accountability and access to restitution for survivors Michigan.govWikipedia.

Final Thoughts

Sex trafficking of minors is a hidden crisis in Grand Rapids—but it’s not invisible. With the average victim entering exploitation around age 15 and recruitment methods becoming increasingly sophisticated, awareness, vigilance, and community action are essential.

By recognizing signs early, educating ourselves, advocating for survivors, and building strong local coalitions, we can protect young people from falling through the cracks—and help them reclaim their futures.

Kids, Teens, and Phones: Safe Practices and Hidden Risks of Growing Up Online

For today’s children and teens, smartphones and the internet aren’t optional, they’re woven into daily life. From staying connected with friends to completing schoolwork, screens are everywhere. But with opportunity comes risk.

Research shows that while digital devices can support learning, creativity, and social connection, they also expose young people to dangers like cyberbullying, sleep disruption, exposure to inappropriate content, and threats to privacy (Livingstone et al., 2017).

The challenge for parents, educators, and mental health professionals is finding the balance: How do we allow kids to reap the benefits of technology while keeping them safe online?

Risks of Phones and Online Presence for Children and Teens

1. Mental Health Concerns

   • Sleep disruption: Using phones before bed is linked to shorter sleep duration and poorer sleep quality, which in turn affects mood and concentration (Levenson et al., 2017).

   • Anxiety and depression: Heavy social media use is associated with higher rates of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem, especially among adolescent girls (Twenge & Campbell, 2018).

   • Fear of missing out (FOMO): Constant notifications and peer updates can heighten stress and compulsive checking.

2. Exposure to Harmful Content
   Children and teens may encounter violent, sexual, or misleading information before they’re developmentally ready to process it. Early exposure can shape attitudes and behaviors in harmful ways.

3. Cyberbullying
   Unlike traditional bullying, online harassment is constant and inescapable. Victims often experience greater distress because the bullying follows them home (Kowalski et al., 2014).

4. Privacy and Safety Risks
   Teens may overshare personal information without realizing the long-term consequences. Posting photos, locations, or personal details can expose them to predators or identity theft.

5. Addictive Use
   Apps are designed to maximize engagement, making it difficult for young users to set limits. Excessive use is linked to academic struggles, reduced physical activity, and family conflict.

Benefits of Technology When Used Safely

It’s not all bad news. When managed well, phones and online platforms can also support healthy development:

• Connection: For many teens, digital spaces provide vital peer support, especially for those who feel marginalized offline.

• Learning: Access to educational resources, global perspectives, and creative platforms fosters curiosity and skill-building.

• Identity exploration: Adolescents often use online communities to safely explore interests and identities.

The key is not elimination, but moderation and guidance.

Safe Practices for Kids and Teens Online

Parents, educators, and clinicians can promote digital well-being by encouraging these evidence-based practices:

1. Set Tech-Free Times and Zones

   • Bedrooms should be device-free at night to protect sleep.

   • Family meals and homework time are healthier without distractions.

2. Model Healthy Behavior
   Kids learn by watching. Parents who set boundaries for their own screen time send a powerful message.

3. Teach Digital Literacy

   • Help children question what they see online and understand that not everything is true or healthy.

   • Discuss the permanence of digital footprints, what goes online often stays online.

4. Encourage Open Communication

   • Teens are more likely to seek help if they know parents won’t immediately overreact or confiscate devices.

   • Keep conversations ongoing, not one-time lectures.

5. Use Parental Tools Thoughtfully

   • Filters, privacy settings, and screen-time apps can help, but they’re not substitutes for trust and guidance.

6. Balance Online and Offline Life
   Encourage hobbies, sports, outdoor activities, and in-person socializing to prevent overreliance on screens for identity and entertainment.

The Bottom Line

Phones and the internet are not going away. For children and teens, online presence is a central part of growing up in the modern world. But with thoughtful guidance, clear boundaries, and open communication, families can minimize risks while supporting safe, healthy digital engagement.

The goal isn’t to ban technology, it’s to help kids and teens use it in ways that protect their well-being and prepare them for adulthood in a connected world.

References

• Kowalski, R. M., Giumetti, G. W., Schroeder, A. N., & Lattanner, M. R. (2014). Bullying in the digital age: A critical review and meta-analysis of cyberbullying research among youth. Psychological Bulletin, 140(4), 1073–1137.

• Levenson, J. C., Shensa, A., Sidani, J. E., Colditz, J. B., & Primack, B. A. (2017). The association between social media use and sleep disturbance among young adults. Preventive Medicine, 85, 36–41.

• Livingstone, S., Mascheroni, G., & Staksrud, E. (2017). European research on children’s internet use: Assessing the past and anticipating the future. New Media & Society, 20(3), 1103–1122.

• Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2018). Associations between screen time and lower psychological well-being among children and adolescents. Preventive Medicine Reports, 12, 271–283.

Teens, Identity, and the Scroll: Why It’s Hard to Disconnect from Social Media

If you’ve ever tried to ask a teenager to put down their phone, you probably know the look, part panic, part disbelief, as if you asked them to cut off a limb. For today’s adolescents, social media isn’t just a pastime; it’s a central part of identity development.

Psychologists have long recognized adolescence as the stage where identity formation takes center stage (Erikson, 1968). But in the era of Instagram, TikTok, and Snapchat, that process looks very different. Today’s teens are building, testing, and broadcasting their identities online and disconnecting feels nearly impossible.

Why Identity and Social Media Are So Intertwined

1. Social Comparison
   Adolescents naturally compare themselves to peers as they figure out “Who am I?” Social media amplifies this process. Teens are constantly exposed to curated images of others’ lives, which can fuel self-doubt, body dissatisfaction, or feelings of inadequacy (Vogel et al., 2014).

2. Feedback Loops
   Identity exploration used to happen in small, private circles. Now, every outfit, opinion, or joke can be instantly validated (or rejected) through likes, comments, and shares. Research shows this immediate feedback can shape self-esteem and reinforce certain aspects of identity (Nesi & Prinstein, 2015).

3. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)
   Adolescents crave belonging. Social media provides a 24/7 window into peer activities, making disconnection feel like social exclusion. FOMO isn’t just an annoyance, it’s linked to higher anxiety and depressive symptoms (Oberst et al., 2017).

4. Performance of Self
   Teens aren’t just “being” online; they’re performing. Carefully crafted posts, filters, and captions can create pressure to maintain an idealized self, which may clash with their offline identity. This tension can fuel identity confusion or stress.

Why Teens Struggle to Disconnect

• Neurological Sensitivity
  Adolescents’ brains are especially sensitive to social rewards. Neuroimaging studies show that social media “likes” activate the brain’s reward centers in the same way as other pleasurable stimuli (Sherman et al., 2016).

• Developmental Timing
  Adolescence is when autonomy and peer relationships matter most. Because social media is where those relationships unfold, disconnecting can feel like stepping out of their social world entirely.

• Algorithmic Design
  It’s not just psychology, it’s technology. Platforms are designed to keep users scrolling, with endless feeds and notifications that exploit attention and reward systems. Teens are especially vulnerable to these hooks.

Mental Health Implications

Research suggests both benefits and risks:

• Benefits: Social media can provide community, self-expression, and support, especially for marginalized youth who may find connection online that they lack offline.

• Risks: Excessive use is associated with sleep disruption, lower self-esteem, higher anxiety, and depressive symptoms (Twenge & Campbell, 2018). For some, online interactions replace in-person relationships, reducing opportunities for face-to-face skill building.

Helping Teens Navigate Social Media and Identity

• Encourage mindful use: Help teens reflect on how certain apps or interactions make them feel, rather than setting rigid bans.

• Promote digital literacy: Teach them to recognize curated content and the gap between online performance and reality.

• Set healthy boundaries: Model tech-free times (e.g., family meals, before bed). Adolescents are more likely to follow boundaries when parents practice them too.

• Support offline identity exploration: Encourage hobbies, sports, arts, or community activities where identity can develop beyond screens.

• Normalize disconnection: Frame phone-free time as self-care, not punishment.

The Bottom Line

Adolescents today are the first generation to come of age with their identities woven tightly into digital life. While social media offers powerful tools for self-expression and connection, it also heightens vulnerability to comparison, anxiety, and dependency.

Helping teens doesn’t mean forcing them to disconnect completely — it means equipping them to use social media in ways that support, rather than undermine, healthy identity development.

References

• Erikson, E. H. (1968). Identity: Youth and crisis. W. W. Norton & Company.

• Nesi, J., & Prinstein, M. J. (2015). Using social media for social comparison and feedback-seeking: Gender and popularity moderate associations with depressive symptoms. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 43(8), 1427–1438.

• Oberst, U., Wegmann, E., Stodt, B., Brand, M., & Chamarro, A. (2017). Negative consequences from heavy social networking in adolescents: The mediating role of fear of missing out. Journal of Adolescence, 55, 51–60.

• Sherman, L. E., Payton, A. A., Hernandez, L. M., Greenfield, P. M., & Dapretto, M. (2016). The power of the “like” in adolescence: Effects of peer influence on neural and behavioral responses to social media. Psychological Science, 27(7), 1027–1035.

• Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2018). Associations between screen time and lower psychological well-being among children and adolescents: Evidence from a population-based study. Preventive Medicine Reports, 12, 271–283.

• Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206–222.

Why Growing Up Takes Longer Now: Understanding Extended Adolescence

If you’ve noticed that young adults today seem to take longer to “launch” into full independence, you’re not imagining it. Many are delaying milestones like finishing school, living on their own, or starting a family. Psychologists call this phase extended adolescence (sometimes called emerging adulthood).

It’s not a failure or a flaw, it’s a developmental stage that reflects how our culture, economy, and life expectancy have changed. But while extended adolescence can provide valuable time for self-discovery, it also brings unique mental health challenges.

What Extended Adolescence Looks Like

Traditionally, adulthood was marked by clear milestones in the late teens or early twenties. Today, more people are:

• Staying in school longer.

• Living with parents into their 20s.

• Delaying marriage and parenthood.

• Exploring jobs, relationships, and identities before committing to one path.

Psychologist Jeffrey Arnett (2000) identified this new phase as emerging adulthood — a time of exploration, but also uncertainty.

The Mental Health Side of Extended Adolescence

While this stage can be exciting, it’s also emotionally complex:

• Anxiety and Depression
  Uncertainty about the future can fuel stress. Studies show young adults often experience high levels of anxiety, depression, and loneliness during this period, especially if they feel “behind” their peers (Schulenberg & Schoon, 2012).

• ADHD and Executive Functioning
  For those with ADHD, extended adolescence can be especially difficult. Challenges with planning, organization, and self-regulation may delay independence further. Without support, young adults with ADHD are at higher risk of academic setbacks, job instability, and low self-esteem (Barkley, 2015).

• Identity and Self-Worth
  Social media can intensify feelings of inadequacy, as young adults compare their “in-between” stage to peers who appear to have it all figured out. This comparison can heighten depression and social anxiety.

• Family Stress
  Parents may struggle to balance supporting their young adult while also encouraging independence. Conflict around money, boundaries, or responsibility is common.

Supporting Mental Health in Extended Adolescence

Extended adolescence doesn’t have to mean stagnation. With the right support, it can be a period of growth and resilience-building. Here’s what helps:

• Normalize the experience: Young adults often feel like they’re “behind.” Reassure them that this stage is common and valid.

• Encourage skill-building: Therapy, coaching, or mentorship can help develop time management, emotional regulation, and financial skills.

• Therapeutic support: Evidence-based therapies like CBT can address anxiety, depression, and ADHD symptoms while building coping strategies.

• Balance support and independence: Parents can act as a “safety net” without rescuing — offering encouragement while fostering autonomy.

• Community and connection: Encouraging friendships, volunteering, or support groups helps combat isolation and strengthens identity.

The Takeaway

Extended adolescence is a normal developmental phase in today’s world but it can also heighten vulnerability to anxiety, depression, and ADHD related struggles. Far from being a sign of weakness, seeking support during this stage is a sign of strength.

With the right tools and guidance, young adults can use this extra time not as a delay, but as a foundation for a healthier, more intentional adulthood.

References

• Arnett, J. J. (2000). Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through the twenties. American Psychologist, 55(5), 469–480.

• Barkley, R. A. (2015). Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A handbook for diagnosis and treatment (4th ed.). Guilford Press.

• Schulenberg, J. E., & Schoon, I. (2012). The transition to adulthood across time and space: Overview of special section. Longitudinal and Life Course Studies, 3(2), 164–172.

When Do You Know Your Child May Need Therapy?

Parenting comes with plenty of “Is this normal?” moments. Mood swings, occasional meltdowns, or changes in behavior can be part of growing up. But sometimes, the challenges your child is facing may be more than just a passing phase and getting extra support could make all the difference.

Therapy isn’t just for a crisis. It’s a space where children can learn tools for coping, communicating, and understanding themselves better and where parents get guidance, too.

Signs Your Child May Benefit from Therapy

1. Emotional Changes That Don’t Fade

• Ongoing sadness, irritability, or mood swings

• Frequent tearfulness or anger outbursts

• Talking about feeling hopeless, worthless, or wanting to disappear

2. Behavior That’s Affecting Daily Life

• Avoiding friends, school, or activities they used to enjoy

• Significant drop in grades or school participation

• Aggression, defiance, or extreme withdrawal

3. Physical or Stress-Related Symptoms

• Frequent headaches, stomachaches, or unexplained pains

• Changes in sleep, too much or too little

• Changes in appetite or eating habits

4. Difficulty Coping with Life Changes

• Struggling after a move, divorce, loss, or big transition

• Ongoing anxiety about things most children adjust to over time

• Trouble bouncing back after stressful events

What Therapy for Children Looks Like

Child therapy doesn’t mean sitting in a chair talking for an hour. It’s tailored to your child’s age, personality, and needs.

• Play therapy: For younger children, play is how they communicate through games, art, and storytelling.

• Skill-building: Older kids might work on coping skills, problem-solving, or managing big emotions.

• Family involvement: Parents may join sessions or receive coaching to support progress at home.

• Safe space: Therapy offers a judgment-free place for kids to express themselves and feel understood.

When in Doubt, Trust Your Gut

If you’re wondering whether your child could benefit from therapy, that’s already a sign to explore the option. You don’t need to wait for things to get “bad enough.” Sometimes the best time to seek help is before a problem becomes overwhelming.

Therapy isn’t about labeling your child, it’s about giving them tools to grow, cope, and thrive. If something has been worrying you for more than a few weeks, reach out to a mental health professional who specializes in working with children. Early support can make a lasting difference.

Pathologizing Childhood Behaviors vs. When to Seek Help for Your Child’s Mental Health

As parents, teachers, and caregivers, we want the best for our children and that includes supporting their mental health. But sometimes it’s hard to know when typical childhood ups and downs become something more serious that requires professional help.

In recent years, there’s been growing awareness of childhood mental health, which is great. But that awareness also brings a risk: over-pathologizing normal behavior. In other words, labeling normal mood swings, fears, or energy as a “disorder” when they’re really part of growing up.

What Does “Pathologizing” Mean?

Pathologizing means treating normal emotions or behaviors as if they’re symptoms of a mental illness. Childhood is full of changes including tantrums, fears of the dark, defiance, and mood swings, and those don’t always mean something is wrong.

When Is It Normal — and When Is It a Concern?

Here are some ways to tell:

Normal Childhood Behavior When to Consider Seeking Help

Occasional moodiness or irritability Persistent sadness or irritability lasting weeks or more

Shyness or fear in new situations Extreme anxiety that interferes with daily life

Testing limits and rules Aggressive or self-harming behaviors

Occasional trouble focusing Difficulty concentrating that impacts school or home life

Upset when routines change Severe distress or inability to adapt to changes

Why It Matters Not to Over-Pathologize

• Avoids unnecessary stigma and worry for both child and family.

• Prevents children from feeling labeled or different when they’re actually within a normal range of development.

• Encourages parents to focus on support and coping, not just diagnosis.

Why It Matters to Seek Help When Needed

• Early intervention can prevent small issues from becoming bigger problems.

• Professional guidance helps families understand what’s happening and learn effective strategies.

• Therapy isn’t just for crises, it’s a tool for growth, resilience, and emotional health.

How to Approach Concerns

• Trust your instincts as a parent, if something feels off, it’s worth exploring.

• Talk openly with your child about their feelings without judgment.

• Consult with your pediatrician or a mental health professional for an evaluation if you notice persistent or severe symptoms.

• Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not failure.

Not every challenge or change in your child’s mood or behavior is a mental health disorder. Childhood is a time of growth, with ups and downs. But if you see patterns that interfere with your child’s happiness, learning, or relationships, don’t hesitate to seek help. Getting support early can make all the difference.

Helping Tweens Adjust to Middle School: What Parents Need to Know

Middle school is a big transition for kids and parents alike. It’s a time of new teachers, changing social circles, increased academic demands, and a rollercoaster of emotions. For tweens (roughly ages 10-13), adjusting to this new world can be exciting, overwhelming, and sometimes downright stressful.

If your child is gearing up for middle school or just starting, here’s what to expect and how you can support them through this important phase.

Why Middle School Feels So Big

• More independence but also more responsibility.

• Multiple teachers instead of one, meaning different expectations and routines.

• Social groups become more complex; friendships shift and peer pressure increases.

• Physical and emotional changes as puberty begins or accelerates.

All of this can feel like a lot to handle at once!

Common Challenges Tweens Face

• Feeling anxious about fitting in or making new friends.

• Worrying about grades, homework, and tests.

• Managing time and organization across multiple classes.

• Navigating changing relationships with parents and siblings.

• Handling the ups and downs of early adolescence.

How Parents Can Help

1. Keep Communication Open

• Check in regularly, not just about schoolwork but feelings and friendships too.

• Listen without judgment or rushing to fix things. Sometimes just being heard helps.

2. Encourage Organizational Skills

• Help your tween create a system for tracking homework, projects, and activities.

• Use planners, apps, or calendars together.

3. Normalize the Struggle

• Remind your child that everyone feels unsure or overwhelmed sometimes.

• Share stories of your own middle school challenges to build connection.

4. Support Friendships and Social Skills

• Encourage participation in clubs or activities where your child can find like-minded peers.

• Role-play social situations if needed to build confidence.

5. Watch for Signs of Stress or Anxiety

• Changes in sleep, appetite, mood, or behavior can signal your tween is struggling.

• If concerns grow, consider talking to a counselor or therapist for extra support.

Tips for Tweens: Making Middle School Work for You

• Don’t be afraid to ask questions, teachers and counselors want to help.

• Take breaks and find activities you enjoy outside of school.

• Practice healthy habits like sleep, exercise, and balanced eating.

• Remember, it’s okay to make mistakes, they’re part of learning and growing.

  Middle school is a major adjustment, but with patience, support, and open communication, tweens can navigate this exciting chapter successfully; building confidence, friendships, and skills that will last a lifetime.